November 30, 2008 - I want to do something interesting

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One of my friends commented on a picture of the Enterprise (for the new Star Trek movie) in a facebook group, saying:

And I thought he's such a nerd! Then I realized I was also a nerd for laughing thinking it's funny.

When I do something (for example, going hiking with my family,) I always have this need to make things look easy. I don't want to make it look like I'm out of shape or struggling, because I'm too proud and independent to do that.

As a result of this, I end up not trying some things, because I'm worried that people will see me as someone who is unsure and see my imperfections.

I'm also proud when it comes to learning: if I learn something exciting I like to learn it on my own, get used to the fact, then make it seem like I Already Knew That.

But I know it's not a good idea to be scared of trying something because you're worried of what people will think of you. I think it's just that I like to be in control of myself, and hide any imperfections.

It's almost like it's too personal to not go about things gracefully. I'd be sharing something personal if I let anyone see me try my hardest at something. But it seems exciting... and right, to try my hardest at whatever I do.

So that's why I'm daydreaming about going backpacking with someone (in the daydream it's M) and not worrying about how I look. For example, to be as independent as possible (for example crossing the stream) and concentrate on getting across without slipping instead of getting across gracefully without slipping.